Let's Not Do This Twice
by CharlotteBlackwood
Summary: A very poor decision, a glass of Polyjuice Potion, and the most awkward sexual encounter of life. RL/MW. A reluctant Remus Oneshot Smut creation. My sincere apologies.


**A/N: Another Remus Smutshot... one I'm feeling rather sick about having to write, actually. I've got an idea. I think I can pull it off, though, I've got some ideas. If you missed the last one, it was Remus/Mrs. Zabini. This one is, of course, Remus/Muriel... Yes. Auntie Muriel. *Shudder***

** -C**

It was common knowledge that Remus was moping now that the war was done. Tonks was gone. Everything that mattered was gone. Andromeda had taken Teddy, even, until Remus could get his head straight and be able to take care of him.

And Remus hadn't even put up a fight.

He made Remus think of Tonks. He made Remus remember that he was a monster, not fit to have a child.

"It will be all right," Tonks had said. "He's got two parents, Remus. Full moons he'll be with me and that will be fine."

But Teddy didn't have two parents anymore.

He shouldn't even have one.

There was a knock at the door, and Remus didn't know who it was or what was going on, but he grumbled for them to go away and not come back.

When had that ever worked?

Never.

What Remus hadn't expected was for Muriel Weasley to come through the door of Remus's flat.

"Um," was all he managed to say.

He'd only met her once, in all fairness, at Bill and Fleur's wedding, and Remus hadn't technically been introduced. He'd just made a note of avoiding the very disagreeable woman who was making a big fuss over every little thing. And Remus had had other things on his mind that night, anyway.

"Sit back," the woman told him, and Remus blinked, completely unsure of what to do.

"I'm... I'm sorry, but I don't understand," he managed to say, finally able to find his tongue.

"Sorry, Remus," she said. "It's me. I took Polyjuice Potion."

Well, that was possibly the most unhelpful explanation that Remus had ever heard in his life, and the even more confusing bit was that she was now stripping off her clothing.

"Woah!" he cried. "I... I still don't understand, but if you took Polyjuice Potion I feel like you shouldn't be so cavalier about doing that!"

"It's me!" she sighed, still stripping. "I meant to get Fluer's hair, but apparently the old bird has been playing dress-up and I got one of her hairs instead. It's going to have to work. I'm here to cheer you up, you sulking old man."

Remus was then beginning to understand. Nobody called him that except for Sirius, and so that's who it had to be, and he still wasn't sure what was going on, and when he made to get up he found himself glued to the spot. He groaned.

"Sirius, why is my bum connected to my bed?"

"Because I know you're going to try to get away," Sirius/Muriel said. "I know that you aren't going to like the idea, but I also know that this is the best way to deal with loss, so hold still and don't stab me."

Stab him with what? Remus rolled his eyes, knowing it was pointless to fight as the fully naked Sirius/Muriel came toward him with all her elderliness. Remus wanted to make it stop and apparently, Sirius/Muriel did too.

"Merlin, Mooney, you have no idea what this is like, being this old," he whined. "Everything hurts all the time, and exertion is way too much." He looked at Remus on his bed and groaned. "Yeah, there's absolutely no way in hell I'm getting on top of you without some sort of miracle." He frowned slightly. "I might have to rethink this."

"No," Remus said, shaking his head. "No, Sirius, really, just let me go. This is ridiculous. This is completely absurd."

Not to mention disgusting.

"Oh, shut up and sit back and close your eyes," Sirius/Muriel snapped in a tone suggesting a general giving orders to his troops.

Knowing that there was nothing to do but appease his best friend, Remus sat back and shook his head, hoping that it wasn't what he thought it was.

And then Remus felt Sirius/Muriel pulling his pants down and he yelped with surprise and fear.

"No," Remus said. "No, no, no."

But Sirius/Muriel ignored him, taking his penis firmly in hand and pumping it to a hardness that Remus was incredibly ashamed of. This was his best friend, and in an elderly woman's body, no less. He would have felt much less ashamed if it had been Sirius in his typical body. At least he could tell himself that Sirius was attractive enough.

But this? This was just wrong on so many levels.

Remus knew it wouldn't be over until he was done, so he gritted his teeth to keep from begging for it to stop and closed his eyes as he'd been instructed.

It took a very awkward half hour, but Remus finally came, at which point he threw a pillow at his best friend, who was already beginning to change back into himself.

"Don't ever do that again," Remus growled angrily at the smirking Sirius Black.

"But you feel better, don't you?" Sirius pressed, and Remus blinked, surprised.

He actually did feel remarkably better.

"C'mon," Sirius said. "I'm borrowing some of your clothes and we're going out for fish and chips. And then we're getting your son back. Let's go!"


End file.
